Grieving

I think sometimes that people expect you to be over stuff. They move on, so you should. Or you get upset at the fact that everyone else can move on when you can't. It's like the world should stop. People ask how you are doing less and less. They think about your loss and your grief even less. It's not that they are selfish necessarily. It's just that they can't understand unless they have been where you're standing...and even if they have, it's probably been a while. So, they have found ways to cope and survive while your heart is broken. These past four weeks have gone by so fast and yet so slow. My mind has gone through these very feelings of grief...

I've heard that there are 7 stages of grief:
1.) Shock and denial- This isn't happening to me. This can't be IT. How in the world are you able to hold your Grandma's hand as she passes away? How are you able to watch her struggle to breathe? It's only because of the fact that your mind doesn't digest what you see. It's a complete denial...otherwise, it'd be unbearable to do.

2.) Pain and guilt- If only I had gotten to the hospital fast enough. If only I had known. Then, I could've spent more time with her. I would've come home last weekend. I would've talked on the phone with her longer a few days before.

3.) Anger and bargaining- Why does everyone else get to have their Grandmother's longer? Why did she have such a hard life? Why could've she have just been in remission once? It's not fair. Severe pain for 40 years....how is that even fair? And don't you dare say you know how I feel.

4.) Depression, reflection, loneliness- I like to be alone, I have found out. If I could just make my self busy enough, maybe I wouldn't realize how sad I actually am. But then again, maybe I want to wallow in it, because I should feel miserable. If I'm not, then it's like her life meant nothing to me.

I haven't gotten to the other stages yet. I find myself saying things like, "My Grandma makes really elaborate and gorgeous gift wrapping and bows herself. It's like every present was wrapped at Macy's!" Then, it becomes real all over again that she's not here. It's in the present tense, because it still hasn't really sunk in yet. I know it's going to. My Mom has said it will become real and final instead of having feelings that come and go.

I can say with complete confidence that I know everything is in God's timing and in His hands. I trust He's taking better care of her than we ever could. If she wasn't so wonderful and so influential, I don't think I'd miss her more than anything in the world.

Permanent

I wish I had all the time in the world to tell you how wonderful my Grandma was. She lived her life for others and never complained. God brought home one of his most amazing saints on April 20, 2010...sooner than I was ready for but much later than she expected. One of the biggest struggles of my faith was watching what she went through year after year. I prayed everyday since I knew how that God would heal my grandma. I quickly learned that he would not painful day to the next. I changed my prayers so that they would be, "God, get rid of her pain, or at least ease it...you can do that, right?" I'm not sure if the pain was ever eased, because she wouldn't tell me if she was hurting or not, but I know that as of April 20, he answered that prayer. It wasn't the way I had hoped or imagined, but that's why it's not up to me. I'm not sure I understood how God's strength and love was made perfect in her weakness (1 Cor. 12:9-10) until her memorial. People told of what she meant to them. I got a chance to read through her Bible and see the kinds of thoughts she thought when no one else was around. Her faith was unshakable and spread to so many around her. How many people have an impact like that? And how many people would live a life of suffering for God's sake? Had she not been so sick, would she have had the same opportunities to impact people....only God knows. But I know that she made my life better and shaped who I am. If only I could see her now....

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on." "Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them." Revelation 14:13

"Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
“Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1Corinthians 15:54-57

"A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth." Ecclesiastes 7:1

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.
We tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not meet him ahead of those who have died." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-15

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits arebeing renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you.I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

WORDS OF COMFORT

These are the verses that keep me going. These are God's words to us, because he knew we would despair. He knew we wouldn't be able to handle the things that would happen to us on our own. I find myself being encouraged by these verses, but I also question things I've always known...not because I think that they are suddenly untrue, but because I'm faced with an unspeakable sadness that threatens the core of me. Things I have believed to be true are now in front of me as things that HAVE to be true. I've never had to rely on those truths so heavilty until now, so it's natural to desperately hold onto them while Satan throws doubt your way. Can good come out of every situation? If everything is working together for my good, then why did Grandma suffer, and why is my heart broken now that she is gone?

"Will you think that you're all alone when no one's there to hold your hand? When all you know seems so far away, and everything is temporary, rest your head. I'm permanent."