Grieving

I think sometimes that people expect you to be over stuff. They move on, so you should. Or you get upset at the fact that everyone else can move on when you can't. It's like the world should stop. People ask how you are doing less and less. They think about your loss and your grief even less. It's not that they are selfish necessarily. It's just that they can't understand unless they have been where you're standing...and even if they have, it's probably been a while. So, they have found ways to cope and survive while your heart is broken. These past four weeks have gone by so fast and yet so slow. My mind has gone through these very feelings of grief...

I've heard that there are 7 stages of grief:
1.) Shock and denial- This isn't happening to me. This can't be IT. How in the world are you able to hold your Grandma's hand as she passes away? How are you able to watch her struggle to breathe? It's only because of the fact that your mind doesn't digest what you see. It's a complete denial...otherwise, it'd be unbearable to do.

2.) Pain and guilt- If only I had gotten to the hospital fast enough. If only I had known. Then, I could've spent more time with her. I would've come home last weekend. I would've talked on the phone with her longer a few days before.

3.) Anger and bargaining- Why does everyone else get to have their Grandmother's longer? Why did she have such a hard life? Why could've she have just been in remission once? It's not fair. Severe pain for 40 years....how is that even fair? And don't you dare say you know how I feel.

4.) Depression, reflection, loneliness- I like to be alone, I have found out. If I could just make my self busy enough, maybe I wouldn't realize how sad I actually am. But then again, maybe I want to wallow in it, because I should feel miserable. If I'm not, then it's like her life meant nothing to me.

I haven't gotten to the other stages yet. I find myself saying things like, "My Grandma makes really elaborate and gorgeous gift wrapping and bows herself. It's like every present was wrapped at Macy's!" Then, it becomes real all over again that she's not here. It's in the present tense, because it still hasn't really sunk in yet. I know it's going to. My Mom has said it will become real and final instead of having feelings that come and go.

I can say with complete confidence that I know everything is in God's timing and in His hands. I trust He's taking better care of her than we ever could. If she wasn't so wonderful and so influential, I don't think I'd miss her more than anything in the world.